Waterslide Mishap

All of the recent summer fun in the sun brought back a long lost memory...

Quite a few years ago I was at the waterslide park at the point of the mountain (out by the prison - can anyone remember the name of this water park? - it has since been torn down).

Anyway, I was cruising down one of the slides at top speed, having a great old time without a care in the world. I must have been having a great time because while standing in line I didn't manage to notice a ginormous chubby 11-year old kid with his t-shirt on (he was probably self-conscious about his rolls of baby fat that still hadn't disappeared after 11 years of life).

I couldn't see it at the time, but this kid was stuck on the slide, scooting himself down a few feet at a time... You can probably see where I'm going with this.

Well, I went around a blind turn and hit him at full speed. I kicked him right in his back. This wasn't no baby kick, either. I cannot recall a time in my life when I've collided with another individual at a higher velocity.

Luckily for me, his back fat cushioned my kick and my leg only hurt for a few minutes. He wasn't so lucky, however. The laws of physics were against him. He immediately burst into tears as we continued down the remainder of the slide together. His fat mother was waiting at the bottom. Her motherly instincts must have been in full gear, as she jumped in the pool and helped her wailing son out of the pool.

I apologized about 3 dozen times, rubbed my leg for a few minutes until it stopped hurting, and forgot all about it.

At least an hour-and-a-half later our paths crossed again. There, on a deck chair, the boy sat like a beached whale, still screaming his head off. His large mother was next to him, examining a giant foot-shaped bruise on his enormous back.

Let this be a lesson to all: If you are a parent of a fat child - I don't care how self-conscious they are, DON'T LET THEM GO DOWN WATERSLIDES WITH T-SHIRTS ON! And if you're a lifeguard at a waterslide park, please pay close attention when fat t'ed children go down your slides and space it out so grown men don't run into them at full speed.